Undecided but not unsure
Tell me what you want to grow up and be?
A quite tough question they once asked me.
I asked some peers about their pick,
But their underlying motives made me sick.
“A chartered accountant” some of them said,
“A big jet-setter and strongly cash fed”.
“The next Lionel Messi will be me.
“A famous footballer the world will see.”
Fame and money took over their minds
To all their talents they closed the blinds.
But just wait……..it’s their future at stake.
Who was I to call their choice a mistake?
Still a strange cause keeps me at bay
I feel that I shouldn't go my peers’ way
I know that I must go another road.
Not wind up common and really bored.
Though still undecided I’m not unsure.
To the strange cause I will be pure.
Though success it won’t guarantee,
From common existence it will set me free.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
That line sounds kind of awkward. But everything else sounds great! I like the title and basic idea a lot.
Hey, Gun – here by request, even though this is quite an old thread... =P
Let me nit-pick first.
The correct version of the first line would be "Tell me what you want to be when you grow up", and I think the vague "they" doesn't fit this place very well – I'd rather say "--I once was asked.". Because both of the lines need rewording, you can get rid of the current rhyme and replace it with another one.
The second line is a bit too long to flow; also, I feel that the word "sick" might be too harsh in this case, or what do you think?
I agree that the word "peers" isn't the best choice for this part – especially when it's already been used once.
I'm sorry, but road and bored don't rhyme, and I'm sure you've noticed it yourself. It seems like you just wanted to finish this poem and not taking time to think about the rhymes.
Sure and pure don't really rhyme either. Also, I sort of see where you're trying to get to with the second line, but at the moment it sounds quite weird. I'd suggest rephrasing it.
This poem shows again that basically anything can be written about, which is great. I'm glad you've given your future careers thought in the form of a poem, and I was also glad to notice you made it rhyme, even though at some places the rhyming was a bit off. This sort of poem wouldn't necessarily work as free verse, but anything's possible, of course. Just polish the rhyming and the flow, and you will have a nice little poem here.
Demeter
x
Them?
Saying 'peers' right here, makes it sound forced, and fake. Try other words, like friends, or
take out the 'my' and just put in 'others'.
This last line is really weird, its like you just added in in just to finish the poem.
Overall it's a good poem, so keep writing!
Hello, hello.
I've seen you around the poetry forums quite a lot but I think it shall be the first time I shall review anything by you so first, nice to meet ya.
I'm Knightly.XD
I love your concept. Something very contemporary here. Are you perhaps on your way to college? I felt like this when I was in my senior year in high school. Undecided, being pulled this way and that by all these suggestions on what's practical. I also felt rather sad when most of my friends didn't take their choices seriously. This was something bigger, you'd think that maybe they'd pick something they'd love to do.
So, now that I've bored you with my blabbing:
Your rhymes are forced. If you're puttingin words that don't really add to this poem just to make it rhyme, don't force it. It takes away the message of the poem which is the true important thing that has to go across to the reader.
Also the flow was a little shaky. You're missing a syllable here and there. I suggest that if you really do want to keep the rhyme, then read the poem out loud and hear the rhythm. Make sure that it flows flawlessly, like a good song.
Undecided but not unsure. It's a good title and shows strength in the speaker of the poem. It's like within himself he is determined of what he wants to be and the indecision lies only on factors from the outside.
Your concept really intrigues me. haha. Fresh.
Alright. Welcome to the wonderful world of YWS. Good luck to you. Smile. PM me if you need anything.
and Keep writing.
--Knightly